Similarly, anger or withdrawal (preoccupation) by men stimulates anxiety or fear of isolation in women, even if his anger or withdrawal has nothing to do with her. Because negative contact is less onerous than isolation, the stonewalled woman is likely to pursue, stimulating more shame and anger/withdrawal in her man.

In general, a man is likely to stonewall, be critical, defensive, or contemptuous if he experiences or is trying to avoid the experience of failure as a provider, protector, or lover.

Every man must realize that these strategies will only make him feel more like a failure.

In general, a woman is likely to be critical, defensive, or contemptuous if she experiences (or is reminded of having experienced) fear of harm, isolation, or deprivation. Every woman must realize that these strategies will only make her feel more anxious, isolated, or deprived.

If the couple does not understand this unconscious, interactive dynamic, they will think they have a "communication" problem and will likely continue to provoke anxiety and shame in each other as they try to talk. They will begin to think that they have a bad, insensitive, or selfish partner, and eventually give up on the relationship without understanding the primitive emotional mechanism that did the real damage.

The best way to disarm the fear-shame dynamic is to recognize when it occurs, which is just about every time you feel bad about interacting with each other. Identify it as something that is happening to both of you rather than pain that one person is inflicting on the other.

Declare that your connection is important to you.

If you make connection, the fear-shame dynamic deactivates. Connected, you can solve the problem that activated it. (Usually it's money, sex, raising the kids, in-laws, or control issues.) If you remain disconnected, even your well-meaning and highly skilled attempts to solve the problem will run a high risk of inadvertently stimulating more fear or shame in your partner.

Remember, the fear-shame dynamic is interactive , so no unilateral solution will make it better. Anything that reduces shame without soothing your partner's anxiety or that reduces anxiety without sympathizing with your partner's shame will fail. That is why the most important emotion in attachment is compassion for your partner's vulnerability, which is most likely different from yours.

To learn more about the unconscious fear-shame dynamic and how to disarm it, attend the How to Improve Your Marriage workshop on May 19-20 or read How to Improve Your Marriage without Talking about It: Finding Love beyond Words.

Sincerely,