Am I the Partner I Want to Be?

Two things happen when we focus too much on what we want from our partners, and both of them are bad. Exclusive focus on what you want your partner to do for you makes it likely that you will violate your own core value. You are saying to yourself:

“I cannot be the compassionate and loving person I truly am until you do what I want.”

Of course, your partner is likely to react negatively to your critical focus on him or her. Your greatest chance of changing your partner's behavior is to change the way he/she reacts to you. In other words, your partner is likely to respond in kind to your approach, whether you are in your core value on the one hand or negative and demanding on the other.

But regardless of how your partner responds, you will be more authentic and true to yourself if you behave like the partner you want to be, rather than focus on what you want your partner to do. The following checklist can help.

 

How am I thinking/feeling/behaving right now?

Compassionately___

Resentfully ___

How can I be more compassionate?

 

 

Helpfully ___

Critically ___

How can I be more helpful?

 

 

Showing care ___

Showing contempt ___

How can I show more care?

 

 

Flexibly ___

Rigidly ___

How can I be more flexible?

 

 

Desiring connection ___

Resisting connection ___

How can I show that I want connection?

 

 

In my core value ___

Violating my core value ___

How can I shift into my core value right now?

 

 

 

Dr. Stosny offers telephone consultation on how to be the best partner you can be, according to your own values. If you would like an appointment, cut and paste the form above into an email, fill it out, and send it to compassionpower@compassionpower.com

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