Dear Friends,

As a consultant for an upcoming national TV special on revenge, I have to admit surprise at the volume of vengeful acts, ranging from relatively mild – things like tearing up clothes and breaking off car mirrors to financial stress and serious emotional and physical harm.

Revenge vs. Compassion

Research shows that when toddlers hit other children or their parents they are often trying to inflict harm only to gain other people's understanding of their hurt; in other words, they want compassion.

We demand compassion from loved ones – they have to care when we are hurt. Failure of compassion feels like betrayal. Obsessions go with betrayal – you can't stop thinking about it. Obsessions distort reality, and that's when revenge fantasies become dangerous. But what often goes with revenge motives are fantasies that the ex-lover, once harmed, will realize how hurt I am and show compassion for me.

Revenge: Substitution of Power for Value

Vengeful people feel more than hurt and betrayed; they feel devalued by the hurt and betrayal. With no internal way of restoring self-value, they try to feel more powerful through the adrenalin rush of revenge. While revenge can make them feel more powerful, it can never make them feel more valuable. Thus it is never truly satisfying and is almost universally followed by either remorse or numbness.

People who act out revenge tend to be low in self- compassion -- a motivation to heal and improve. Self- compassion motivates behavior that will make you feel more valuable, which is not revenge. Self- compassion is why most people do not act out their revenge fantasies against loved ones.

Like less intense forms of anger, revenge fantasies are telling you that your core value is too low and that you need to focus on what enhances the value of your life and experience.

Best wishes,

Steven Stosny

CompassionPower

email: stosny@compassionpower.com

web: http://compassionpower.com