Dear Friends

The greatest gift we can give to one another is a deeper and more compassionate understanding.

 

Two Crucial Points:

•  Compassion for one another's vulnerabilities is the most important attachment emotion. Without it, love will turn first to resentment, then to contempt.

 

•  Connection is a mental state and a choice. You choose to feel connected and you choose to feel disconnected. In general we like ourselves more when we choose to feel connected to someone we love.

 

 

For women: Men report that they want a closer, more intimate relationship just as much as women. They also report that they feel more distant when they have to talk about their relationship.

 

Research shows that men talk more about their emotions when they feel connected and that women talk less about emotions when they feel connected. In other words, you'll both get more of what you want if you focus on connection, rather than talking.

Non-verbal ways to connect with him:

• Activities—Do something with him that he enjoys doing. He loves activities that the two of you do together.  

• Touch—Easy to do; goes a long way with men.  

• Routine—men are very routinized, but you give meaning to his routine. Appreciate your importance to him when he goes about his routine and be open to small moments of connection.  

• Let him see you happy. Your man loves to make you happy.  

• Sex, of course. It's his way of getting a dose of the bonding chemicals that you get from a good talk.  

 

For men: Understand that your woman has a dread of isolation and that she needs more connection energy from you. You want to protect her from feeling isolated, unseen, and unheard.

Understand the compassion paradox: If it’s available whenever needed, it’s rarely needed.

• Open your heart to appreciate your wife – not compliments, let her feel your interest in her, like she felt it when you were first in love.  

• Think positively about her and you'll automatically connect with her more frequently.

• Invest some energy in occasional surprises, the more personal the better, let her know you’ve been paying attention to her by the nature of your thoughtful gestures.

• Make a point of connecting with her every day as a part of your routine.

• Help her.

The goal of all communication -- verbal and nonverbal -- is emotional connection. The desire to connect must come from your core value and cannot get lost in ego defense. If you choose to act on what is most important to and about you, you will understand and sympathize with your unconscious vulnerability to fear or shame and with that of your partner.

Sincerely,

Steven Stosny

CompassionPower

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email: stosny@compassionpower.com

web: http://compassionpower.com